Back in the trenches - the war against cancer

Sorry to be so long providing any updates. I have made an "old year's resolution", my last one for 2019, to use this davidisstillalive blog as my writing platform. So I intend to write in it every day.

Once of my cancer heroes is Jessica Ainscough who died in February of 2915 at the age of 30, having spent 8 years battling and thriving her way through incurable cancer. I became acquainted with her through  the Hay House Writers Workshop. You might like to take a look at the following:

1.   Jessica Ainscough - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jessica_Ainscough

Jessica Ainscough (July 1985 – 26 February 2015) was an Australian teen magazine editor who became a writer and wellness entrepreneur following a rare cancer diagnosis at the age of 22 years. Ainscough went by the self-coined nickname "The Wellness Warrior" and used her popular blog by the same name to share her personal story of using alternative cancer treatments .

2.   Jess Ainscough - The Wellness Warrior

www.jessainscough.com

The Wellness Warrior | Be kind. Be brave. Be well. On February 26th 2015, the world lost one of its brightest sparks. After 30 years, 7 of which were spent thriving with cancer, Jess Ainscough peacefully passed away. Edgar’s Mission has always had a spe ...

Whereas Jessica spent some time believing only in natural healing, she changed her mind about a year before she died, cooming to the belief that it was necessary to integrate conventional oncology with natural healing. As you know that is entirely my view too.

Oh yes, I have another short war poem as a late "remembrance day" offering:

Futility of War

Fire and blood

Signature of war and pain

Blood in the trenches

Fire in the sky

As warriors plummet to earth

Wings broken, doomed

More tomorrow, as I follow along to write, write, write!

Veterans Remembrance Day

This is a bit late, but I wanted to share my war poetry in honour of the pilots and soldiers who have lost their lives in world wars that now keep us safe and secure. We remember them. The first poem - Fear is a Ghost in The Night Sky has been published on a war poetry site in the UK.

I was a young child during the latter years of WWII and have always been fascinated by the incredible bravery of the pilots of all countries that had a part in air war, particularly the Battle of Britain. I was born on Battle of Britain Day, September 17, 1940. That was the day that Hitler called off his invasion of Britain indefinitely, So the following poem is dedicated to those brave men and women. Although in the culture of the day women were not fighter or bomber pilots, except in Russia, they trained pilots and ferried planes from airfield to airfield and helped to keep the air war machine in full operation.

Fear is a Ghost in the Night Sky

Twin Bristol engines drumming

Thrumming just out of synch

Rumbling through the ink black sky

A wounded Beaufighter flying home

Cocoon of the returning crew

Pilot and gunner stare into the murk

Do they see Death staring back?

But the 109s won’t find them

Not here – stay in cloud – don’t panic

Borne home on angels’ wings tonight

The old plane vibrating, shaking

Descending to the coast – almost home

Families hover around the radio

Hoping for news of loved ones return

Fear is a ghost in the night sky

The following poem is in draft form - I'm still workin' on it! But I wanted to write something that would honour those who sacrificed their lives for our freedom today.

Eleventh hour – day – and month

The front is quiet as a tomb

A reconnaissance plane drones across the sky

The smell lingers from the big guns

Those guns are silent

And the fallen are silent too

They would cry out if they could –

No more mothers and babes dead from shrapnel

Let there be war no more

In our haste to kill, kill, kill

Shovels scrape on stone

As shallow graves are dug

Some were the last to fall --

One or two minutes to peace for George Price and Henry Gunther

Then eternity – they are the heroes

Who bravely answered that last call to arms

Let there be war no more

My cancer poems!

Right now I am taking radiation for a metastasized kidney cancer tumor at the base of my skull which could be potentially fatal. 10 radiation treatments in 10 days at Cross Cancer Institute in Edmonton, Canada. My dear daughter Anne is keeping me company with this treatment regimen, so that Sandra can get some work done at her senior management position back in Inuvik. Sandra has been accompanying me south from Inuvik for treatment as escort every 2 to 3 weeks for months now and it is wearing. The escort is necessary because of my severe hearing impairment, coupled with "chemo brain" by which I very quickly forget random parts of what the oncologists say that is not written down.

I have continued to write poetry over the years. Since my self-published book of poetry Pine Cones and Small Stones in 2014 I have written at least enough for a sequel, but I haven't decided what publishing route to take with that yet.

I have decided to write some poetry focused on cancer, and I intend to submit it to the League of Canadian Poets for publication soon. I have tried to give the both the fearsome nature of cancer and how each new day feels precious in Stage 4. Your comments would be welcome: this is what I have so far:

Death row

Waiting for the ax

To fall – cancer hides and slinks

Just behind the door

You have cancer

Cancer

Cold grey iron foe

Lurking – hiding

Hide-and-seek monster

Face of darkness and dismay

Pale bloodless skin of death

Hair the color of cremation’s fire

Wearing a long black cloak

To smother each victim

Sexless – neither male nor female

Outside time and space in this universe

Hide and seek

Cancer – sinister

Now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t

Evil incarnate

Heal then thrive

Wind and oak whisper

Cherishing the mistletoe

Mystery healer

Choosing life and hope – survive

Thrive – each new day a blessing 

Here is some black humor for you. With all this radiation I should really shine, just like ABBA in Super Trouper:

"shining like the sun
smiling having fun
feeling like a number one"

The last line is still true, because I refuse to give in to dark thoughts of fear or gloom. I love the fact that belief in healing is a mighty source of strength. Quite often belief is the most potent healer available. And belief now has scientific credence. For example, see if you can find this book in your local library: The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton, PhD, Hay House 2008.

Survival is now a full time job!

Since my last post, it is evident that another tumor, the one on my spine at the base of my skull, has decided to grow by leaps and bounds. That was almost missed with my last CT Scan on September 18. So during October the oncologists at Cross Cancer Institute (CCI) in Edmonton, Alberta have decided to hit that tumor a second time with radiation with 10 daily treatments beginning Monday, November 04 and continuing to November 18.

So on the coming Sunday I will be flying to Edmonton once again for a two-week stint. The tumor growth is evident because of new pains in my head on the left hand side, caused by the tumor disturbing nerves in my skull.

The Pain Management Team will be meeting with me too at CCI on November 05. They now have me on a few drugs that are controlling the pain quite well. The major side effect is being tired and drowsy. I will need an hour nap today, I am sure.

I am continuing my alternative healing, integrated with the CCI radiation and oncology treatments. The keys in this natural healing protocol are primarily:

• Strong belief in my continued recovery (Ref: The Biology of Belief - Bruce Lipton);
• Continuing to reduce sugar and simple carbs from my nutrition, and adding concentrated curcumin as a supplement;
• Taking two elk velvet capsules per day to boost my immune system (not one cold over the past 5 years!)
• Continuing to inject an extract of mistletoe three times a week (Iscador and now Helixor, prescribed treatment for cancer in Germany).

To be continued next week as radiation kicks in. I will have more information about two great cancer recovery sites, so stay tuned!

What is my cancer up to now?

October 10, 2019. What is my cancer up to now?

I like Bruce Lipton's great book: "The Biology of Belief". It reinforces my belief that I can coax my T-cells to change my DNA and attack the cancer cells, through my strong belief in healing and through my own mind.

The cancer is insidious. It grows whenever I turn my back on it. One tumor that has been dormant for months decides to grow. The tumor at the bottom of my spine, in the left sacrum area, has nearly doubled in size over the past months. But I believe the Nivolumab immunotherapy will put it in remission again.

Our dear family doctor in Inuvik, Dr Gail Robson, still believes me to be a miracle. She expected me to die months/years ago. On Tuesday morning, at my appointment with her, when I said I was confident that the Nivo would put me back in remission, she replied - "Yes of course, knowing you!"

So here is my spiritual belief. I believe that my healing has now reached a higher plane. My Creator, my God, and I must work together to heal (God healing through me). That does not mean that I will not die soon if God has some purpose within His will. In any case I know that God as a great shepherd holds us as lambs of His fold (Isaiah 40:11) and that He will lead us to His Son - "the Rock (Psalm 61:2) that is higher than I." My human body may crumble, as my spirit prospers and soars above any calamity in this life.

That is all for now. More very soon.

Two vivid dreams - living in a burning house AND coasting uphill through rocks!

The Pain Management Team at Cross Cancer continue to phone me once a week to see how things are going. On last Friday late afternoon October 4 I received my weekly update call. They asked about vivid dreams. Well ---let me tell you about two vivid dreams that occurred on the night of Wednesday October 2, which incidentally was my worst ever day of pain. Pain was everywhere - ribcage, hips, legs and thighs, severe headache like a migrain. Pain right now is almost gone, but then was 8-9 out of 10 in intensity. Ok here are the dreams.

Dream 1: In a burning house

I am sitting in the kitchen of the old house on the farm. Those of you who have my 2014 poetry book - Pine Cones and Small Stones - have seen that house in black and white. There is a forested area to the west.

There is a wildfire approaching from the west. It seems to stop just to the west of the house. There are two other people who don't look familiar in the room with me. All of a sudden someone outside the open back door, now closed only by the screendoor, cries out it's going to go!! Meaning that the house is burning, the roof is on fire.

The two others hurry out the door and watch the house burn. I continue to sit calmly in the kitchen. I can hear the roaring of the fire behind and above me in the attic. I can hear the crackling and smell the smoke. I know that the old house is insulated only with wood shavings in the walls, which means that the west side of the house is burning like a torch. But I still calmly sit there in the kitchen while everyone else has left. 

I see that the western side of the house must be disintegrating because the flames and ashes and smoke are starting to blow from the west past my only exit, the back door. Finally I finally admit my danger of being consumed by the fire and walk quickly out the kitchen door and down the steps with the smoke stinging my nose.

What a fun dream that was.


Vivid dream 2: biking accelerating uphill through rocks

I walk with others down some jagged brown sandstone rocks for about 20 steps or so and then we stop on a flat rock platform. I see a bicycle there so I hop on and think about trying to pedal through the football sized rocks. All of a sudden the bike begins to move, and to accelerate back uphill as if I had pointed it downhill! 

A very rough ride over the rocks until at the top I see that the final hurdle is a rock formation in the shape of a ramp. So, still just coasting, I accelerate up the ramp and into the air. I look down on the rocky landscape about 20 meters below and feel a thrill go through me. Then I fall gracefully until I am just standing there on the rocks, still as can be.

It would be nice in life to accelerate uphill through the laborious rocks that hold us back and be free. -- Free!!

There's a killer in the room!

I've simply got to make this blog more active. Yes I am still alive - sort of! I am in the clutches of medical systems that consider me to be a number on a card rather than a loving, warm-blooded human being with a lot to give to my many communities.

In my last post from Warren, Illinois I said I would be in Edmonton for radiation consult etc on August 27. Yes, that happened and as a result we stayed in Edmonton for another couple of weeks while various things happened. I had my first Pain Management Team (PMT) consult on Aug 29 which was four hours, very thorough, resulting in my present prescription of morphine pills now 2 x 5mg every 6 to 8 hours.  I had radiation on that sacrum tumour for four treatments Sep 2 - 6, another consult on the 6th and my first of the Nivolumab immunotherapy treatments on the 7th. A fair amount of anxiety pain in my chest as well which I control with extra strength Tylenol. I had a follow-up PMT consult on the 10th of September before we could finally return to Inuvik.

As a happy interlude to all this cancer stuff I was invited to read my Battle of Britain dream poem at a special Battle of Britain memorial at the Legion in Inuvik on September 15. I consider that an honour. I am to read it again on Remembrance Day November 11. You can read it where I published it on a war poetry site at http://www.poetsandwar.com/fear-is-a-ghost-in-the-night-sky/. You will have to copy and paste the link into your browser. The poem site also has a bit of background for the poem.

Then everything broke loose. Frantic calls on Tuesday morning the 17th (my 79 birthday by the way - my cousin Violet Farmer turned 80 on the very same day) I receive a call saying I am to have a CT Scan the very next day in Yellowknife, September 18 at 2 pm. So Sandra and I (after I found her at work) had to pack and leave that same day by air for Yellowknife. The problem that arose was there was only ONE room left in Yellowknife and that was in Anderson Thompson Towers and only for one night. This kinda posed a problem because when I arrived at Stanton Hospital at 2 pm on the 18th I was greeted with "You missed your appointment". It was to start at 12 noon with contrast given etc for the scan at 2 pm. So that threw everything into a whirl which I am still recovering from. Stanton Hospital managed to squeeze me in anyway BUT the actual scan didn't start until 4 pm and we had to be on a plane for Edmonton for my next immunotherapy treatment on the 20th leaving Yellowknife at 5:25 pm. Why? Because there was no room available to stay another night in Yellowknife. The plane had fully boarded and we had not yet gone through security. By the time we were on the plane we were both crying from the anxiety and stress. I had to leave my car at the airport for my friend Anson to deal with because of no time at all to return the car.

So on the 20th another Nivolumab (shortened to Nivo) consult and another PMT meeting. The PMT meeting was disconcerting, because the PMT doctor spent some time giving me end of life counselling. I was a bit angry about that. It was as though I was now waiting for Death in his long black hooded cloak to swing that sickle and cut off my head.

Well, now back in Inuvik trying to write and get back to normal. I ain't dead yet folks - not by a long shot. I am still going to use natural healing to live a while yet!! And, I am excited to report that I am taking an on-line writing course from Hay House Publishing, which will not only improve my writing skills but give me to put in a book proposal for my cancer recovery book Choose-Hope-Survive publication to Hay House without an agent. Wow, what an opportunity!

So I am busy taking the course for the next 6 weeks, and writing when I can, interspersed with calls to hospitals, clinics, cancer navigator, medical daycare staff, and Cross Cancer oncologists. 

Quite a ride! Talk to you next time